It’s a … {Coping with the Unexpected}


Dealing With A Gender Not Expected @AmazinglyBroken


I

wanted needed to take a few days after finding out what our fourth child’s gender is before announcing it. Time to sort through my own feelings before continuing to be bombarded with comments and hysterical statements on various topics like: are we going to keep going until we have a girl, will I have my parts removed, and the one I don’t have the answer to – how are you going to deal with four kids.

No I’m not going to keep pumping out kids, some parts will be removed as I do have that 10cm mass in my ovary, and no you can’t pay the doctor to remove all my baby making organs – I do need some of those to get through my pre-menopause years. The only way to answer the latter is I don’t know exactly how life will be with four children. All I can say that I’ll probably do what I did with one, two and three kids. Take each day one at a time and each mistake filled lesson as it comes.

It’s hard to explain my thoughts as soon as the technician told us that we were having our fourth boy. There was no time to prepare either. She literally squirted the gel on my skin, put the wand down and froze the screen on his three legs. I’ve wanted to have a daughter since I was a little girl myself. I don’t want to make little of someone having a miscarriage as I understand that pain. While it was very early in my pregnancy it ended after the stick but before the doctor, I still wonder to this day if that little mass of cells was my daughter.

I cried.

I feel like I’ve lost something -someone- over and over. A void that hasn’t been filled no matter how hard I try to count my blessings and ask for forgiveness for wanting so badly. Talking the other day with my cousin, who has had a full-term still birth and understands one of the greatest sorrows a mother can bear, she made me think of the book “Heaven is For Real”. When it’s my time to go hang out with the Lord will I get to meet that mass of cells that barely had a chance to form?

W

hen I found out that our third child was a boy I cried in the quiet moments by myself over the following two days. My heart broke then as well as now, but you know that third child of mine is one of the coolest kids ever (just like his brothers). I love his personality and how much of a mama’s boy he is. He loves to snuggle and be rocked – something I miss with kid one and two. Each passing day I’m reminded at how fast they really do grow and how easy it is to forget the little things I sore I never would.

I still have a lot of pent up issues to work through with all of this unexpected baby emotions. Many of them, of course related to that empty void but also issues with family. I know that my life is not the normal mainstream life. I choose to use items like cloth diapers, my own cleaning products, breastfeed beyond 6 weeks, and gasp allow the kids to run around in their underwear and superhero blankets.

I’m unique.

Yes, I support women taking control of their own bodies and allowing nature to take it’s course when it comes to childbirth. I prefer a midwife over a typical OB/GYN even though some family thinks it’s an unsafe choice. Honestly, I’m more scared of a Caesarean birth (a.k.a. c-section) then having a baby in the middle of the woods – by myself with only a dried out twig as my comfort.

It’s okay that my opinions on birthing, feeding and raising children are different then others around me. What kind of a world would if be if we all did the same thing? I have accepted (or I like to try to say that I have) that I’ll always be seen as the weird one that has no clue what she’s talking about in some circles. I’m trying to accept that I have strangers emailing me daily for advice yet with my own family I’m the absolute last resort.

While talking to one of my best friends I said something in the conversation that really hit me. It was along the lines of not having to give my kids the world of possessions but instead love and a solid relationship. To me I would much rather my kids have a mother they can turn to no matter what and be the first person on their minds (after their wives of course) that they want to call and talk to when something is wrong, sad or spectacular.

We may not go to some of the great places I went to while growing up. Traveling as a family of five soon-to-be six is not cheap. We’ll fill our time with amazing backyard camping adventures, hiking trips, silly songs, and yes even slapping our knees as we squeal in delight when mommy accidentally adds too much vinegar to the baking soda cleaning mix.

So today I’ll shed a few tears as I finish going through all my saved up girly cloth diapers and remove the images of summer dresses, baby dolls, and tea parties from my head. Instead my home will continue to be filled with the best bodyguards a mom could ask for, daily wrestling matches that I get the honor of the final call, and heaps of metal cars that always seem to be in the oddest of places when the bladder screams at me late at night.

I’m loved.

I am truly blessed to have three such amazing little boys that are already growing into sweet, caring gentlemen. I know there are three ladies out there that are going to be so lucky to have them as their husbands. (Yes, to all of you wondering Marty has trained the boys well – they do put the seat down!) I also have a baby that I get to continue to love and experience in ways that I have so greatly missed. The flutters have begun, a little late with my anterior placenta, but like they say better late then never.





Baby Frederick #4 – 20 Weeks

For the next 20 or less weeks I get to bond and love a child that I wasn’t expecting but I’m so grateful to have. He will be so loved and well protected with three older brothers to look out for him. Hunter can’t wait to share his room. Karter wants to show him how to put the puzzles together. Parker wants to give the baby his Buzz Lightyear. Me? Oddly, I am excited for all the late night feedings and staring into his little eyes while he’s wrapped all up in snugly blankets

So now that I’ve got stream of salty tears running down my face and two of my children are rubbing my shoulder telling me it’s okay and “you not die mama” I am going to go. There are hugs to be given out, lunches to be made, and games to be played.

I’m truly blessed.

 

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Alaina Frederick

Publisher at Amazingly Broken

Alaina Frederick is a wife, mother of 4 (boys!), and a self professed “geek” who loves the Weather Channel, curling up in front of a crackling fire, and drinking a good cup of hot tea. Most important, Alaina is a woman on a journey to be fully consumed by God. Afflicted with an illness called trichotillomania, Alaina has learned the true beauty of what God can do with the ashes of life.

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23 Comments on It’s a … {Coping with the Unexpected}

  1. Marj
    January 27, 2012 at 8:10 pm (2 years ago)

    You are quite the story teller, Alaina. That was an awesome story, and quite poignant. It must have taken some courage to write.

    So many people are blessed to have children. As I understand the science, you ARE blessed to be a bearer of male-children for females are more common. You’ll have a bigger grocery bill, so other mothers of sons have shared. In spite of the fact that buying clothing will be a little less fun, you’ll have an army of loyal young men who will draw you into their boy-games.

    Very nice blog post. Thanks for sharing from your heart.

    Reply
    • Alaina Frederick
      January 27, 2012 at 8:14 pm (2 years ago)

      Thanks Marj! I can already attest to the larger grocery bills but at least they love fruit and vegetables that will be easy to grow in the summertime! It feels good to write from the heart :)

      Reply
  2. Kathy Stupar
    January 27, 2012 at 8:17 pm (2 years ago)

    What a beautiful post. Alaina, you do what you feel is right for your family and the heck with what the rest of the world thinks. And, i guarantee you those kids are going to remember and treasure the knee slapping, hiking and silly songs more than material things or trips. They will come to know that the love of God and family are the most important blessings of life. SO, keep on doing what you are doing with your three sons and the unexpected fourth gift God has given you. And, yes, I do believe you will meet that lost mass of cells in Heaven one day! :-) Peace to you!
    Kathy

    Reply
    • Alaina Frederick
      January 27, 2012 at 8:36 pm (2 years ago)

      Thanks Kathy :) Each day God reminds me at how blessed I am!

      Reply
  3. Ashley
    January 27, 2012 at 8:37 pm (2 years ago)

    I completely hear where you are coming from and thank you for boldly sharing. I also often wonder what it will be like to meet my 3 little babies in heaven. I have a 3 year old little boy who is my comfort, especially on those days I fear I will never conceive again. He is my joy, my strength, my everything. Hold on to your children Alaina, they will get you through this, I’m sure you know. If I am ever blessed with another child, I’m sure I would be crushed if it were another boy, but alas. Children are amazing and heal any wound. On another note, you won’t have any weddings to pay for!! :) May you rest in Him during this time.

    Reply
    • Alaina Frederick
      January 27, 2012 at 9:14 pm (2 years ago)

      Thank you Ashley. It is nice to know that I wasn’t in left field by feeling the need to grieve. Good point on the weddings!

      Reply
  4. Laurie
    January 27, 2012 at 8:41 pm (2 years ago)

    Hugs! I’m an all boys mama and I get how you have to let go of a dream of a certain future. The reality of all boys might be better than your dream, but it takes time to get to that place. Take care!

    Reply
  5. SarahButtonedUp
    January 27, 2012 at 9:07 pm (2 years ago)

    Congratulations my beautiful Alaina! To be a mother of boys is a wonderful thing! XOXO

    Reply
  6. Aubury L.
    January 27, 2012 at 9:16 pm (2 years ago)

    I know how you feel I have had 3 miscarges and I have 3 boys and I have always wonder if the if my 3 little clusers of cell we my little girls but I have come to realize that I will know as so as I go to haven

    Reply
  7. Elise
    January 28, 2012 at 2:08 am (2 years ago)

    Hey Alaina – What a beautiful, honest and deep post. Thanks for sharing such ‘close to your heart’ feelings. Every mother would love to have a daughter, I was blessed to have been given 3 along with 4 boys. As you know we are facing similar circumstances with an unexpected 8th pregnancy. All in HIS hands.

    I grew up surrounded by boys – I’m 7th in line with 7 brothers. mIt takes a very special woman to be the mother of boys – especially when you are the ONLY female in the house.

    All the best for the rest of your pregnancy and can’t wait to hear news of your “newest little man”

    Reply
  8. Bess Blanco
    January 28, 2012 at 9:03 am (2 years ago)

    Girl, you have me in tears right now! Beautiful, just absolutely beautiful! You are sooo right, you will raise 4 kids the same way you do it now with 3….oh, love your transparency in this post! Thank you for sharing so openly with us, and in turn, allowing us to share your life journey with you. Be blessed my friend!

    Reply
    • Alaina Frederick
      January 28, 2012 at 12:06 pm (2 years ago)

      Sorry to make you cry but I’m so touched that by being honest with myself and my own feelings that it has helped others to be okay with their own thoughts of depression and longing. I know that in the end as long as it’s a healthy baby that is all that really truly matters, but also it’s okay to have those wishes.

      Reply
  9. Dawn Papandrea-Khan
    January 28, 2012 at 1:57 pm (2 years ago)

    Alaina, your post really touched me. As I read it, I could feel the emotion that went into writing it. I agree with Bess, love the transparency. I have a good friend who also has 4 boys and who dreamed about having a girl. I wished and prayed with her and still wonder why the dream could not come true. But then I think about the many women who cannot have even one child and I try to focus on that and be grateful. I pray that once your little baby boy comes that you will be able to heal and the love that you have for him will replace the longing that you had to have a girl. Much love to you sweety, DAWN

    Reply
  10. Mary Gallagher
    January 28, 2012 at 2:22 pm (2 years ago)

    Thank you for being so transparently loving and emotionally authentic, Alaina, it’s inspirational to me. Each of us goes through our own, ‘Oh,My’ process to ‘Oh,Yes’ miracle. Sweet anticipation and joy is my wish for you and your family,
    Best, Mary

    Reply
  11. Theresa Turdici
    January 28, 2012 at 5:38 pm (2 years ago)

    I enjoyed reading your blog today after seeing your post at The Complete Guide to Imperfect Homemaking. I understand your heartache and have dealt with some of those issues too. God bless you! Romans 8:28

    Reply
  12. Melissa
    January 30, 2012 at 11:22 am (2 years ago)

    I can completely relate. I grieved when at 34 weeks, the baby they told me was a girl decided to show his boy parts after all. Now, 14 years later, I can’t imagine him being anything but Matthew. I cried out to the Lord over the years for a daughter and he did answer that prayer, just not in the way I would have ever dreamed or imagined. I know some people may judge you for feeling this way, but girl, I am not one of them. ((hugs))

    Reply
  13. Melissa Telling
    August 22, 2012 at 12:44 pm (2 years ago)

    Although I have not faced this particular situation, I can sympathise with the conflicted feelings. I was ready to be finished with childbearing after our 7th. And when I found out I was pregnant with our 8th child, I had an extremely hard time dealing with it. How do you reconcile not wanting to have another baby with your love for a child growing in your womb. There is no way to express those feelings without coming across as a bad mother. But the truth was that while I *totally* and completely wanted that child, I would not have chosen to have him if I hadn’t gotten pregnant “accidentally”. And, yet, he was just what our family needed.

    (The 9th child wasn’t quite as hard to adjust to, but she was also a surprise.)

    Reply
  14. Mary
    March 11, 2013 at 4:38 pm (1 year ago)

    You are an amazing writer, and an amazing person. I actually cried reading this, because I’ve been there (with babies 2 and 3, I guess I’m impatient). I’ll never know what the mass of cells was, but it was a dream that I had the hardest time letting go of. I wish you had more supportive people in your life, even though you are different, so wasn’t every forward thinking scientist, inventor, politician (when they were great – Abe Lincoln, Washington, etc). I’d rather drive my family nuts being different than being like everyone else, if only they knew now what they will know later on, poor things will just have to feel dumb ha ha.

    Reply
    • Alaina Frederick
      March 11, 2013 at 5:16 pm (1 year ago)

      Thank you Mary I really appreciate your understanding and hope you can find closure with your own grieving.

      Reply
  15. Christy
    June 22, 2013 at 12:43 am (10 months ago)

    I just had my 3rd (and last) baby 3 months ago. He was my 3rd boy. I too had an early miscarriage before all these births, and I’ve always wondered if it was my sweet baby girl that I’ll never get to rock here on earth. I don’t understand it, but I know my Father has a plan. I’m so glad I came across your blog. I had a planned home birth with a transfer with my first, a successful home birth with my 2nd & an emergency section with my last because my placenta was tearing loose.

    Reply
    • Alaina Frederick
      June 25, 2013 at 4:36 pm (10 months ago)

      Aww congratulations! What an eventful birthing line of stories you have. I really wanted a home birth but that freaked my husband out and with out last we ended up in the hospital but it was 100% natural!

      Reply

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